I just want you to be happy
by JLCH
Summary: Takes place following "Ignorance is Bliss". It's been a week since Cuddy sent House on a wild goose chase on Thanksgiving Day and House offered Cuddy tickets to the holiday carnival, which she refused. House is hurt because he thinks he's lost Cuddy forever. Cuddy feels guilty because she knows she has hurt House.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** Since it's Thanksgiving, I thought it might be nice to rewrite the events that took place after "Ignorance is Bliss."

My first baby is "Confession is good for the soul" however since I just published a recent chapter, I thought I might write a little shortie. I find that short stories can be inspirational and a nice break.

* * *

Cuddy stepped out of the elevator and sighed as she made her way through the dark and desolate hallway of the fourth floor. It was late and everyone else had gone home hours earlier. She'd planned on leaving early to spend some quality time with Rachel but a last minute conference call kept her late so Marina had offered to stay a few additional hours. It had been a week since Cuddy had talked with House, the last time was the day he had offered her tickets to the holiday carnival and she refused. Since then, they had not spoken and House kept his distance. To Cuddy it seemed as if he was ignoring her existence. She stood outside his office and took in the view through the glass doors. The office was dimly lit. House leaned back in his chair, feet up on the desk, music playing in the background. She took a deep breath, entered his office and took a seat across from him. She sat silently for a moment and when he didn't acknowledge her presence, she cleared her throat and spoke to him.

"House?"

He opened his eyes, looked at her, and then closed them again, obviously ignoring her.

"House, I know you're mad at me. I'm sorry about…about sending you on a wild goose chase on Thanksgiving."

House didn't respond. He had nothing to say to her and had made it clear by sending his team to see her when he needed something.

"Look, I'm sorry, would you please just talk to me?"

He opened his eyes and looked at her again, showing her he was clearly annoyed by her presence. She sat with her hands in her lap, fidgeting nervously. She felt as if he were looking straight through her. He took his feet off the desk and leaned forward, right hand grasping his thigh and rubbing it vigorously. "It's fine Cuddy," he said.

"No, it's not."

"Yes, it is. You did what you had to do." He reached into his desk and grabbed the bottle of Ibuprofen, popped open the cap, tossed a few in his mouth chasing it with the cold coffee in his mug.

"House, is everything okay?" She asked, not oblivious to his pain. Often she wondered if the ibuprofen helped at all.

"Why wouldn't it be?"

"You're acting distant."

House laughed and took another swig of the liquid. "Really? Why do you care?"

"Contrary to what you might think House, I _do_ care."

"You have a hell of a way of showing it."

"What?"

"Forget it. Is there something else you need here? You already apologized, you can sleep better tonight, your conscience is clear."

"That's not why I'm here. I mean…I wanted to apologize but I haven't seen you or heard from you for a week and it's just…unusual."

"Wow, you bitch about me when I bother you, you bitch about me when I don't. Hormonal are we?"

"No," she said glaring at him in annoyance. "I want things to go back to normal."

He leaned back in his chair again and sighed in frustration. "Normal? I don't even know what that is."

"I don't want us to avoid each other."

"I'm not avoiding you Cuddy, I'm just doing my job. You spent years hounding me about it so it seems hypocritical of you to complain when I'm finally doing it."

"Oh come on House, you've acted different ever since you found out about Lucas," she declared defiantly.

House rose quickly and painfully from his chair and grabbed his cane. Leaning heavily on it, he looked right at her, his eyes boring holes through her. "You know what? I don't give a goddamn about you and Lucas." He turned and limped outside to the balcony.

Frustrated, she got up and followed him outside. It was a beautiful night, the sky was filled with stars and the air was cool. She stood behind him as he leaned against the balcony looking at the ground below.

"Then what's _wrong_ with you?"

"You said you wanted things to be businesslike. Okay fine, I'm here, I'm doing my job. What the hell do you want from me?"

"I want you to be _you._"

He turned around to stare at her. "Where the hell have _you_ been? I've been me since I left that damn place."

"You're just…different, I miss the old you, the one who used to tease me and drive me crazy and keep me on my toes."

He shook his head. "You can't have it both ways Cuddy; you can't have me being _me_ and then want me to change."

"I never wanted you to change."

"Bullshit. You spent years trying to get me to change."

"No, I wanted you to stop self-destructing; I wanted you to be happy."

"I don't do happy, you know that." He turned his back to her.

Cuddy walked towards the balcony and stood beside him. She put her hand on his arm and spoke quietly. "House, I remember a time when you were happy."

"That was a long time ago," he said as he looked down at her hand on his arm.

She sighed and removed her hand. Neither of them spoke for several minutes.

"Do you ever wonder what might have been?" Cuddy asked, her eyes never leaving the ground below them.

"I used to and…maybe recently…but it doesn't matter anymore."

"What? Please…talk to me," she implored.

"I don't even know why you are. What's done is done. The past means nothing." He looked nervously at his watch. "Why don't you go back to your boy toy where you belong?"

"Because you're my friend and I want us to talk."

"Are we friends Cuddy?"

"We used to be."

House laughed sarcastically. "Yeah, that was a long time ago too."

"I just wish things didn't have to be so complicated," she said with a sigh. "Just because I'm with Lucas doesn't mean we can't be friends. You've been a part of my life for a long time House."

"I don't think there's room for me."

Cuddy noticed the obvious sadness in his voice. "I just know it isn't the same without you."

"Don't let _him_ hear you say that."

"_Lucas_ doesn't own me, he doesn't dictate who my friends are," she replied.

"You need to live your life and you can't do that with me around."

"So you're just going to walk away?" She asked, suprised. House _never_ gave up without a fight.

"You did it," He said resignedly.

"What are you talking about? I'm still here."

"Cuddy, you don't get it. I thought you understood, especially that night at the conference. I was _trying_ to tell you something, not just about that night in college but…" he drifted off in thought and then continued, "it doesn't matter now, you moved on."

Cuddy placed her hand on his arm again. "It does matter, House."

"Not anymore."

"I wish you'd talk to me."

"Just tell me, does he make you happy?"

Cuddy hesitated a moment. "Lucas is a nice guy, he's good to me and he's great with Rachel."

"That's _not_ what I asked."

"I don't see the point of this," she said exasperated.

House just looked at her, expressionless, waiting for an answer.

"Fine. I'm happy!" It came out louder than she'd intended.

House noted she had cleverly skirted the specifics of the question. "Took you long enough to answer. Do you _love_ him?"

"What is your point here, House?"

"Hey, it's just one friend caring about another."

Cuddy glared at him suspiciously. "No, you're just prying. You want ammunition."

"Ammunition for _what_? You two are obviously made for each other and even I can't break you up, so why are you even worried? _Better yet_, why can't you just give me a simple answer? Yes or no, Cuddy. Do. You. Love. Him?"

She threw her hands up in the air in frustration. "You know what? I give up. This is pointless!"

"If you say so. You're free to leave anytime," he replied more casually than either of them expected.

"Fine." Cuddy turned around and stomped away through the glass door.

House sighed and turned back around to the balcony. He missed her presence already and cursed himself for blowing it. He'd avoided her all week because it hurt just to look at her, to know that she was with him. God, he wanted to be friends with her just so he could at least keep her in his life, but it hurt too much to see her give that beautiful smile to him, it hurt to know someone else was keeping her warm in bed at night. He leaned on the balcony and ran a hand over his three day stubble and thought to himself, w_hat the hell am I going to do?_

Suddenly, he was brought out of his thoughts by the sound of a glass door opening and closing behind him, followed by the sound of heels clicking on the concrete surface until they stopped next to him. He didn't look at her but he heard her voice, it was soft, slightly husky, and tinged with sadness.

_"I don't know."_

* * *

Well that's all she wrote for now. Will probably write another chapter tomorrow!


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Thank you for all the reviews. I'm so glad you like this story. I'm having fun going where David Shore obviously could not!

* * *

_"If you say so. You're free to leave anytime," he replied more casually than either of them expected._

_"Fine." Cuddy turned around and stomped away through the glass door._

_House sighed and turned back around to the balcony. He missed her presence already and cursed himself for blowing it. He'd avoided her all week because it hurt just to look at her, to know that she was with him. God, he wanted to be friends with her just so he could at least keep her in his life, but it hurt too much to see her give that beautiful smile to him, it hurt to know someone else was keeping her warm in bed at night. He leaned on the balcony and ran a hand over his - stubble and thought to himself, w__hat the hell am I going to do?_

_Suddenly, he was brought out of his thoughts by the sound of a glass door opening and closing behind him, followed by the sound of heels clicking on the concrete surface until they stopped next to him. He didn't look at her but he heard her voice, it was soft, slightly husky, and tinged with sadness._

_"I don't know."_

* * *

"What?" House turned to her, surprised by her sudden re-appearance next to him.

"You heard me. _I don't know._ Are you happy now?" She asked, arms crossed, glaring at him.

"What's up your ass? I just asked a simple question."

"It's not that simple. Everything is not black or white, House."

"Yes, it is. You should know if you love someone. You either do or you don't."

She marched closer to him, blue eyes blazing, her chin up and thrust out defiantly. "Why does this matter to you? I didn't come here to discuss Lucas and me; I came here to apologize to you about what I did to you on Thanksgiving."

"You did that already. So why are you back?"

"I want to know what's going on with you."

"Cuddy, why do _you _care? You say we're friends but since I came back here you've wanted nothing to do with me."

"That's not true," she stated adamantly.

"It is true," he countered. "You've done everything in your power to avoid me."

"I just needed some time to adjust."

"No!" Pointing his cane at her, he said, "You were avoiding me because you didn't know to break it to me that you'd moved on with your life. I'm not fragile Cuddy; you could have just come out and told me."

"I didn't want to hurt you."

"So you think seeing him with you…after I opened up to you that night, didn't hurt?"

"I didn't know he was going to be there until the morning when he showed up. That's not how I wanted you to find out."

"Why _Lucas?_ You've tossed out guys who were better than him."

"I was going through a tough time…everything that happened…you left…things were going on at the hospital…I already told you how we met."

"Yeah, I remember. By the way I never thanked you properly for telling him about my hallucination."

"House, I'm so sorry, I—"

"Save it, Cuddy. What's done is done."

"No. I owe you an apology," she pleaded with him.

"Another one? This is becoming a habit with you."

"I never should have told Lucas," she said sadly, looking down at the ground.

"Then why did you?" He asked.

"Just after you'd gone, Wilson and I didn't talk much. We were upset for not paying closer attention to the signs and intervening to help you sooner. I'd come to work and go home to Rachel and that was it. I needed someone to talk to and Lucas was there."

"Of all the people you could have told."

"I know."

_"No, you don't."_

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing."

"Tell me."

"Lucas knew early on how I felt about you. He thought it was a game to see who could get there first." He noticed Cuddy's jaw drop. "Yeah, _there_ is PI code for _you_. Anyway, he asked me if I wanted him to back off. I knew he wouldn't. I just never thought you'd fall for him."

"He's not a bad guy, House."

"No, but he's not a _good_ guy either. He's as much of a bastard as I am. It just pissed me off that he knows I hallucinated having sex with you. Do you know how that makes me feel?" He asked angrily.

"I can't tell you how sorry I am. It was stupid and selfish of me and I can't take back what I did. I do want you to know I hope someday you will trust me again. I am so sorry I hurt you."

House knew she was being sincere. "So tell me, did you tell him anything _else_ about us?" He asked smugly.

"You mean about us...in college? Oh, no. He doesn't know about _that_."

"Why not?"

"It's just…those are memories I prefer to keep to myself."

House smiled slightly. "Are you ashamed?"

"God no," she said blushing just a little. "It's just that…forget it, you wouldn't understand."

"Try me."

"Back then, those times, really meant something to me. I don't want to share them."

House smirked just a bit. "You too eh?"

"You haven't told Wilson?" She was surprised. "I thought you told Wilson everything."

"No, not everything." he replied softly.

Cuddy smiled her appreciation. For a moment things seemed like they might be okay.

"With all the guys out there, do you think Lucas is the best choice?"

"Lucas is a _safe_ choice." She put her head in her hands, elbows resting on the wall, not looking at him when she said it.

He twirled his cane and watched her, she looked sad, even defeated. He moved closer to her. "Cuddy, you have always been a woman who took risks. You've always laid it all on the line when you knew you were doing the right thing. You never cared what other people thought. All of a sudden you're playing it safe. You're afraid to take chances. What's wrong with you?"

"There's _nothing_ wrong with me House, I'm a mother now. I have Rachel; I can't afford to take chances."

"Are you going to teach your kid that?" He asked. "Will you tell her to choose the safe guy even if she doesn't know if she loves him? Just so she won't get hurt?" He looked at her incredulously.

"That's not fair," she shouted.

"The hell it's not," he replied, loudly. He looked down at her, his blue eyes blazing. "You're a mother now, fine, I get that, but this new Cuddy doesn't suit you. The Cuddy I knew never needed anyone; she was independent and strong. She wanted a kid, she got one, and she didn't _need_ a man to make her happy. If she got her claws on one, it was because she _wanted_ him. But now you're settling for the safe choice. You're scared."

Cuddy stood up straight and angrily pushed her finger into his chest. "You don't get it do you? I'm not getting any younger! They're not exactly beating down my door now are they? You've pretty much seen to that."

"Don't blame me. You've always been married to your job. It always came first."

"Any time I ever tried having a relationship with someone you managed to interfere."

"They weren't right for you!" He said, almost yelling at her.

Cuddy was furious. "Seriously? I don't believe this. You couldn't even admit your feelings for me after we kissed, even after I gave you every opportunity to make a move. Instead, you played games, deflected and ran away with your tail between your legs. And you're telling me that you know the kind of guy who is right for me?"

"I just want you to be happy. Lucas Douglas is _not_ the one but if _you_ think he is, then who am I to get in the way of that? I wish you all the best."

"You would really leave us alone?"

"Would I have a choice?"

"You're not one to give up so easily when you have your mind set on something."

"Maybe it's just time to give up," he said, without thinking.

Cuddy swallowed hard and felt a lump in her throat. "Maybe it is," she replied softly.

They stood close to one another, staring into each other's eyes but not saying a word. During those few moments, a myriad of feelings and emotions swept over them. There was so much left unsaid, both wanted to make a move, but were afraid. Tension surrounded them, electricity in the air between them.

Finally Cuddy broke the silence. "I should go," she said.

House watched her intently, his eyes never leaving her face. "Yeah," he said, his words nearly inaudible.

After another moment of silence, Cuddy turned around hesitantly and walked away without another word. House waited a few minutes hoping she would return. When she didn't, he entered his office through the glass door, grabbed his backpack and keys and headed home.

* * *

Reviews are love. More to come soon. This thing is flowing in my head so there will be a lot more.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** Cuddy's doing some serious thinking in this chapter. Be prepared!

* * *

Cuddy arrived home tired and frustrated. After thanking Marina for staying late and saying goodnight, Cuddy made her way to Rachel's room to check on her. She found her daughter sleeping peacefully hugging a stuffed duck that Wilson had given her when she was just a baby. Cuddy reached over and stroked her daughter's hair, thinking about how fast her little girl was growing up. It seemed like only yesterday she brought Rachel home. She was determined to be the best mother she could be, but it was hard at times, especially as a single parent. She covered Rachel with her blanket and went into her own room, stripped down and showered. As she was drying off, the phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hey baby," came the cheery voice on the other end.

"Hi Lucas." Cuddy tried to smile but her heart wasn't in it.

"Where were you?"

"I had to work late."

"I called the first floor nurse's station and they said you'd left your office a long time ago. I was worried."

"I uh..I forgot something so I had to go back." She didn't want him to know she'd been with House.

"Okay. I just thought maybe House pulled some stunt to keep you there. I wouldn't want to have to give him hell for keeping my woman after hours."

Cuddy cringed at his words. _My woman_. She'd wanted to belong to someone for so long so why was it making her feel so uncomfortable that he was so possessive?

"Lisa?" She heard Lucas calling her name and it brought her out of her thoughts.

"Sorry."

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just tired and it's chilly in the house."

"Want me to come over later when I'm done here and _warm_ you up?"

Immediately she responded, "No, I'm tired and I'd rather just get some rest. I'll call you tomorrow."

"Okay babe, love you."

"Yeah," she replied. "Bye Lucas."

Cuddy hung up the phone, threw off her towel and put on comfortable sweatpants and a tee shirt, turned off the light and slipped under the covers in the dark. She thought about the conversation and how she couldn't wait to get off the phone with Lucas. She couldn't bring herself to tell him she loved him even though he had uttered it to her for the first time in the dark during sex on Thanksgiving night. Things had been okay between them but her heart just wasn't fully into the relationship since she pulled the prank on House. Lucas had come up with the idea so he wouldn't try and thwart their Thanksgiving plans, but after she did it, she had immediate regrets. She expressed this to Lucas and he told her she was ridiculous for feeling guilty, that after all the shit House had put her through over the years, he deserved a dose of his own medicine. She knew that seeing Lucas in her hotel room at the conference had dealt quite a blow to House and she felt the prank had just made things worse. She knew House was trying to be a better person and she hated herself for doing something to hurt him.

She rolled over and tried to sleep but couldn't stop thinking about House. She cared about him a great deal, she always had and she knew he cared about her but House had issues, he would always have them, even without the Vicodin. He would never allow himself to be vulnerable and he had trouble opening up. Of course, his stay at Mayfield had helped and his sessions with Dr. Nolan were going well. She knew he was making progress and she was so happy for him but she still couldn't trust her heart with him. Things had just gotten serious with Lucas when she found out House was being released. She asked herself if she should give him a chance finally, after all those years. Could she count on him when things got tough? Could he be a father figure to Rachel? Would he want to be a husband? Tied down to a family? House wasn't one for conventional and that bothered her. Cuddy had a routine now, she had established a safe, stable environment for her daughter and she couldn't disrupt that just to satisfy her own wants and needs. She knew House deserved a chance to be happy but it was too late, wasn't it? She was with Lucas now.

_Lucas._

She never imagined herself with a guy like him. Lucas was ten years younger and at times acted more like a teenage boy than a man. Lucas was smart but not intelligent. He'd gone to college but honestly, she couldn't even remember what he majored in. She knew he partied a lot back then and had lots of girlfriends. He had street smarts, which she assumed were needed for one in his line of work, though he wasn't overly successful private investigator, in fact he lived in a studio apartment and lately hadn't had much work. He wasn't lazy, but he wasn't overly zealous either, he let the work come to him. He was charming and funny, but there were times he just drove her crazy in that sometimes he just didn't know when to shut up. He proved that at the restaurant at the conference when he'd let it slip he knew about House's hallucination. Cuddy sighed at her memory of that moment; it definitely was _not_ her finest hour.

Lucas cared a great deal for her and always showed her how much he cared by bringing her flowers and cooking dinner for her. He also helped with Rachel. He played with the little girl, read her stories and tucked her in at bedtime. While it was nice to have someone she could count on, she needed someone she could relate to as well, and that was a problem at times. They would sit in front of the fire at the end of the evening and she would tell him about her day and so much of it seemed to go over his head. He didn't understand the responsibilities of her job nor did he try. He knew she had a tough job but that was about it. When Cuddy needed advice or input on how to handle something at the hospital, Lucas was clueless. Also, Cuddy thrived on conflict and it annoyed her was that he agreed with her all the time. They never argued or fought about anything. She'd tried provoking arguments with him but he'd just cave to her whims, agree with her and try to smooth things over.

As a lover, well, Lucas was adequate. Cuddy sighed at the thought. He didn't set off fireworks but for a woman who hadn't had sex in a very long time, she had no business complaining. Lucas didn't have a problem getting aroused and they'd had some wonderful, tender moments, but at times it ended too quickly. The sex wasn't bad but it wasn't great either. But sex was sex and again, she couldn't complain when she'd been abstinent so long before he came along. With Lucas, there many times she had to resort to faking her orgasm because he would expend himself all too quickly. Not wanting to prolong the act, she'd wait until later when he was asleep or gone home or on a job, when she'd take care of things herself. She knew she should probably say something to him so that they could work on it, and that he would feel awful if he knew that she was unsatisfied, but in the end she just didn't bother. Suddenly, she felt guilty thinking these things about him. Lucas was a nice guy, he was good to her and Rachel and he did an awful lot for them to show them he cared. She knew she should be thankful for his company, not lying there in the dark counting all his faults and weaknesses.

Her thoughts drifted to House again as she pondered their earlier conversation. Could House be right? Was she settling? She'd always been proud of the fact she didn't need anyone. She could always take care of herself. But now, at her age, she was lonely. She needed someone in her bed at night to keep her warm. She wanted someone to talk to at the end of the day, someone to have dinner with and share the joy of her work and motherhood. She spent so much of her time taking care of others; there were times she wanted someone to take care of her. She was dedicated to her job and to Rachel but outside of them, she had no life. She often worried that she would never find anyone. Someday Rachel would be old enough to leave home and she'd be all alone. She couldn't deny that thought crossed her mind. She missed the tenderness and physical intimacy that came with a relationship and she had yearned for it for so long. She'd made others think she could survive on her own but in reality, she craved to give and receive love, and not just from her child, but from someone her equal, someone who could be her partner, her lover.

She thought about House's question, the one she had a hard time answering. _Do you love him?_ He'd asked. She told him she didn't know. _What the hell Lisa?_ She thought to herself. _How do you not know?_ _Like House said, you either love him or you don't, it's that simple._ _Damnit,_ she thought. _Lucas is a good guy._ _He's nice and he respects me. He goes out of his way to do things for me and compliments me all the time. He's sweet and tender and he makes me laugh. He's wonderful with Rachel and treats her as if she's his own. _She sighed out loud._ So if he's the one, why don't you know if you love him? Like House said, it's that simple. _

Cuddy lay there, eyes closed, thinking about all the things she'd read and heard over the years about love and how it was supposed to feel. To her, love was supposed to make your heart race and make you feel butterflies in your stomach. Love was thinking about each other all the time, overlooking each other's faults and weaknesses and forgiving each other's mistakes. Love was about fighting and arguing and having disagreements but always coming back to one another. Love was about not being able to imagine your life without the other person. Cuddy knew love wasn't a fairytale, it had its share of good and bad moments, but one thing she had always believed was that it couldn't be forced. You either feel it or you don't and when you do, you _know_ it.

Cuddy suddenly opened her eyes. "Oh God," she whispered in the dark.

She didn't love Lucas.

She loved _House._


	4. Chapter 4

_Cuddy lay there, eyes closed, thinking about all the things she'd read and heard over the years about love and how it was supposed to feel. To her, love was supposed to make your heart race and make you feel butterflies in your stomach. Love was thinking about each other all the time, overlooking each other's faults and weaknesses and forgiving each other's mistakes. Love was about fighting and arguing and having disagreements but always coming back to each other. Love was about not being able to imagine your life without the other person. Cuddy knew love wasn't a fairytale, it had its good and bad moments, but one thing she knew to be true was that it couldn't be forced. You either feel it or you don't and when you do, you know_ _it._

_Cuddy suddenly opened her eyes. "Oh God," she whispered in the dark._

_She didn't love Lucas._

_She loved House._

* * *

On Friday afternoon, Cuddy sat at her desk reviewing employee evaluations. It had been three days since she and House last spoke to one another. Cuddy kept herself busy at work going in early and leaving late but not once did she visit House's office. House arrived at work late as usual and stayed late because he had two cases simultaneously. He stayed away from Cuddy's office, opting to send his team when he needed approval on risky procedures. House also avoided clinic duty by sending Taub in his place. Taub told him she had questioned House's absence then casually let it go.

As she was signing the forms, Cuddy's office door opened. She looked up and saw it was Lucas.

"Hey babe," he greeted her.

"Hey."

"I've hardly seen you this week so I figured I'd bring you lunch." He walked over to her, pecked her on the cheek and handed her a salad.

"You know I've been really busy but I appreciate this," she said. She put down the papers and accepted the salad. "You didn't have to do this Lucas."

"Hey what kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn't bring my hardworking woman a meal every now and then?"

Cuddy cringed inside at the sound of the words _my woman._

"Something wrong hon?"

"What? No. I've just got a lot on my mind." She smiled weakly.

He leaned back in the chair across from her desk and said, "So I was thinking...maybe you and I should go away for the weekend."

"Huh?" She was clearly surprised.

"Yeah, we could take Rach with us, maybe do a family thing. Whaddya think?"

"I can't. I've got a lot on my plate right now." _A lot on my plate_, she thought to herself.

"You're always busy. Lis, is there something wrong?"

"Why would you ask that?"

"Because I get the feeling you're avoiding me lately."

"I'm not, really."

"Did House do something?"

She looked up in surprise. "House? What's _he_ got to do with this?"

"I don't know. Ever since Thanksgiving, you've been acting strange."

"There's just so much going on here at work, I'm a bit overwhelmed."

"All the more reason you should take a vacation."

"I can't Lucas, really. I appreciate you thinking of us, but I can't right now."

Lucas looked dejected. "Fine, I'll take a rain check. Listen I'm gonna go. See you at your place tonight?" He got up from his chair and walked around the desk to her.

Cuddy wanted to tell him she was tired but he was sure to put her on the spot. Without thinking she looked up and said, "Sure."

"Good, I'll see you later then," he said, then kissed her quickly, before he walked out.

Cuddy sat there watching him as he left her office. Having lost her appetite, she set her fork down in the salad. _What am I going to do?_ She thought to herself.

* * *

House was in the conference room with his fellows in the middle of a DDX when he noticed out of the corner of his eye, someone entering his office. He turned and saw it was Lucas making himself comfortable behind House's desk. _Oh great, what the hell does he want?_ He thought. He turned back to his fellows and told them to go run the necessary tests and he slowly limped into his office.

"Lucas, to what do I owe this great pleasure?"

"What did you do to my girlfriend?" Lucas asked as he rifled through the things on House's desk.

"Not a thing."

"She's been working late all week and I've hardly seen her." Lucas picked up House's ball and started playing with it.

"And that's my problem..._how_?" House caught the ball mid-air and stuck it in his pocket.

Lucas spun around once in House's chair, and then faced the desk again, leaned forward with a shifty look in his eyes. "She's acting weird and I know you; you've got something to do with it."

"I come in, I do my job, I go home, I don't have time to deal with _your_ girlfriend," House countered sarcastically.

Lucas smirked. "Listen House, I know you're all upset that I won, but you're just gonna have to deal with it."

House leaned against the wall his office, arms crossed, watching Lucas. It was apparent to him Lucas was annoyed that he didn't give him a sarcastic comeback.

Finally, Lucas stood up and walked over to House, standing in his personal space, which he knew irritated the hell out of House. Sporting that boyish grin House hated, Lucas said, "I hope we can still be friends." Lucas offered his hand and when House just stood there and didn't take it, Lucas said, "Okay...well I better go."

"See ya," House said.

Lucas turned around before he left. "Oh and House...I'll be keeping my eye on you."

"Great," he said to himself as Lucas closed the door behind him.

* * *

Several hours later, House sat in his office throwing his red ball against the wall. The team had just solved the remaining case and he was pondering what to do next when Wilson walked in.

"Hey. You going home soon?"

"Nope."

"You're awfully quiet lately, you okay?"

"Yep."

"You're leaving pretty late this week."

"Two patients, lots of tests to run."

"Cuddy's been leaving late too."

"And your point is?" He kept throwing the ball against the wall over his computer.

"No point, just an observation." He looked at House curiously. "Is there something going on?"

"With me and Cuddy? Hardly."

"I just wondered. You're both acting strange."

"I'm fine. If you want to know how she is, ask her."

"Maybe I will. So uh...you wanna grab a beer?"

"Nope. Gotta keep tabs on my patient."

"Okay," he said. He turned around and walked out. "G'night House," he yelled over his shoulder.

"G'night Wilson."

After Wilson left, House stopped throwing the ball against the wall and set it down on the desk. He was tired but he didn't want to go home to his own empty apartment and he didn't want to go to Wilson's place either. He had his own room there and stayed there often, but the shrine to Amber gave him the creeps. He rubbed his aching thigh and eyed the bottle of ibuprofen on the desk. He started to pick it up and then stopped. It wasn't like it helped that much anyway. He put on his reading glasses and began reading a journal article that Foreman had given him earlier on that day related to his patient's symptoms. He read for about half an hour till his eyes got tired. He took off his glasses and rubbed his face then pulled a near-empty bottle of scotch out of his desk drawer and poured a little into his mug. _Yep_, he thought. _It's going to be a long night._

* * *

On his way out, Wilson stopped over in Cuddy's office. The only light in her office was the lamp on the desk and the one on her round conference table. He knocked and then opened the door.

"Hey, can I come in?"

Seeing Wilson standing there she said, "Sure."

Wilson took a seat across from her. "You're working kinda late. Anything going on?"

She held up a stack of papers. "Just overdue employee evals. I need to finish them tonight so I don't have to take them home this weekend."

"So uh...I just saw House."

"And?"

"And...he's acting unusual."

"Okay..."

"Did something happen between you two?"

"What on earth would make you think that?"

"Well, you've been acting funny all week too."

"Wilson you're imagining things," she said going back to her paperwork.

"So how are things with you and Lucas?" He watched her cringe slightly when he said the name Lucas.

She looked at him and smiled. "Fine."

"I haven't seen him much around here this week."

"He's been working."

"Yeah." He looked at his watch. "You going home soon?"

"In a bit."

"Mmm hmm."

Cuddy put down her pen and looked right at Wilson. "Do you have something you want to say?"

"Cuddy, ever since Thanksgiving you and House have been acting weird. I don't know what it is, but either you guys need to talk about it or just let it go. It's affecting both of you."

"Wilson, I appreciate your concern, I really do, but everything's fine and you should go home and relax and not worry about anything this weekend. I'll see you on Monday, okay?"

Wilson looked at her, noting she looked tired and worn out. But, this was her life and not his and as much as he cared about her, he couldn't solve her problems when he had plenty of his own.

"Okay Cuddy, listen I just asked because I care, that's all."

"I know Wilson, I appreciate it. Now go...enjoy your weekend."

Wilson stood up and walked towards the door. He looked back on her as she picked up the pen and signed more papers by lamplight. Without looking up she said, "Goodnight Wilson."

"Goodnight, Cuddy," he said as he walked out the door.

* * *

Cuddy arrived home around eight-o'clock, earlier than she had in the past few days. When she entered the house, Marina told her Rachel had been fussy most of the day and finally settled down. After she bid Marina goodbye, she went in and checked on Rachel who was in her crib and appeared to be sleeping soundly. She covered her with a blanket and went into her bedroom to change into more comfortable clothes. Just as she finished changing her phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hey hon." It was Lucas.

"Hi."

"I'm working a little late; I wanted to come over in a bit, you okay with that?"

"Lucas, I just got home, I'm dead tired." She hated lying to him but really she was tired. She just didn't feel like talking and she wasn't in the mood to have sex either.

"Aww come on babe, I miss you."

"I know, but I just got home and I'm beat. We'll get together soon okay?"

"You promise?"

"Yeah."

"Okay see you soon. I'll be thinking about you."

"Night, Lucas."

"Night, Lisa."

Cuddy turned off her phone in case Lucas called her again. She went into the kitchen and fixed herself something to eat. Then she picked a CD out of her collection and put it into the CD player, adjusting the volume so it wouldn't wake Rachel. She got comfortable on the couch and took a healthy sip from her wine glass. Just as she closed her eyes to relax, she heard a knock at her front door. Then she realized it wasn't just any knock, it was a cane, a wooden cane. She sat still for a moment, not moving, not sure what to do. The sound came again and she knew she had to answer, of course he would know she was there.

She put the blanket from the couch around her shoulders, turned off the CD player and walked to the front door. Through the peephole she saw him, in his leather jacket, and he was shivering. She opened the door to him.

"Hey," he said.

"Hi."

"I was in the neighborhood."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"You live ten minutes from here."

"I got lost."

"I'm sure."

"You going to invite me in?"

"Why should I?"

"Oh come on, it's cold out here."

"Do I have a choice?"

"There's always a choice."

Cuddy stepped aside and let him in. As he limped past her, she took in the scent of after shave and wood smoke. She gathered he must have been sitting in front of his fireplace tonight. She smiled and closed the door.

"Do you want something to drink?"

"What do you have?"

"Wine."

"How about coffee?"

"You?"

"I had scotch earlier, probably shouldn't drink too much...my bike and all."

"Oh, right. Coffee, it is." Cuddy went into the kitchen and began brewing a pot of coffee.

"Where's the munchkin?"

"Sleeping. Marina said she was fussy all day today."

"Maybe she misses her mother."

"You telling me I don't spend enough time with my daughter?"

"Do you?"

"I do the best I can. Did you come over here to criticize me about my mothering skills?"

"No."

"Then why are you here?"

"We haven't talked in three days. I figured I had a lot of harassment to catch up on."

"You don't say," She said dryly.

"We didn't finish our conversation the other night."

"Didn't we?"

"No."

"What more is there to talk about?"

"You never answered my question."

Cuddy rolled her eyes at him. "Do we have to talk about this now?"

"Asks the queen of trying to get me to open up about my feelings." He stepped closer to her. "What are you trying to avoid?"

"Nothing." Cuddy poured him a cup of coffee, handed it to him then walked past him into the living room. She took a seat on the couch and motioned for him to sit too. He took a seat at the other end of the couch.

"Last time we nearly revealed things to one another, I told you what I wanted and you wound up deflecting and grabbing my breast. I can't go through that again," she said.

House looked down at the cane in his hands. "I'm sorry. I...just wasn't ready."

"Are you ready now?"

"I don't know."

"Then we can't have this conversation. House, I'm with Lucas, he's a good guy, and he treats me well. I deserve at least that much. So does Rachel."

"But you don't love him do you?"

Cuddy hesitated, leaned over and put her head in her hands for a moment. She took a deep breath and sat up straight, looking right at him. "No, I don't."

House breathed a sigh of relief, which did not go unnoticed by Cuddy. "You think you can eventually _grow_ to love him? That one day you'll just wake up and fall in love with him? You do know it doesn't work that way."

She turned to him and glared at him defiantly. "House, I _need_ to know why this means so much to you." Before he could speak, she put her hands up and continued. "On the level here, _no_ deflecting, _no_ sarcasm. If you can't do that, you need to leave _now_."

* * *

Hope you're enjoying this!


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** I did not think I'd be able to update this until the end of the week but the ideas flowed this morning, very early I might add, and I wanted to get them out. To be honest, I didn't think this would go five chapters. I'd originally planned it to be about four but then...well...things just happened!

I'm taking a little more time updating the next chapter of "Confession is good for the soul" because with its length and subject matter, it needs it! You can expect an update on that sometime this Friday or Saturday at the latest.

Thank you so much for reading and leaving comments. :)

* * *

_"But you don't love him do you?"_

_Cuddy hesitated, leaned over and put her head in her hands for a moment. She took a deep breath and sat up straight, looking right at him. "No, I don't."_

_House breathed a sigh of relief, which did not go unnoticed by Cuddy._

_"House, I need to know why this means so much to you." Before he could speak, she put her hands up and continued speaking. "On the level here, no deflecting, no sarcasm. If you can't do that, you need to leave now."_

* * *

Cuddy and House sat next to one another on the couch, staring at the coffee table in front of them.

"House? Are you going to say anything?"

"I'm the most screwed up person in the world. I can't be the kind of guy you want around your kid."

"You're not as bad as you think you are."

"I'm the same guy I've always been, just without the Vicodin."

"You've changed. You say you haven't but you _have_."

"But for how long?"

"You've changed because you chose to, nobody made you do it. You wanted a better life for yourself."

House shook his head. "I'm never going to be who you need me to be."

"That's where you're wrong. I can handle snarky, sarcastic, pain in the ass House. I can handle you being the occasional insensitive jerk and making rude comments about my ass and my breasts. God knows you were doing that long before your leg. What I can't handle is you being so hard on yourself and pushing people away because you're afraid."

"I just feel like I'm better off alone."

"I think history shows you suck at being alone," she said sarcastically.

"Nice one," he replied. "You know me, I've got problems."

Cuddy let out a sudden burst of laughter and noted House glaring curiously at her. "I'm sorry, I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at the idea that you having problems means you should be alone and miserable. House, we've all got problems, we all feel miserable from time to time. No offense but what makes yours so much worse than anyone else's?"

House fidgeted with his cane as he did when he was either nervous or deep in thought. "I hated my dad, I barely speak to my mom, I never made friends easily. I was a genius who got kicked out of school, I can't form long-lasting relationships, I wanted to die rather than lose my leg, I'm an addict in pain _all the time_ and I spent time in a psych hospital…should I go on?"

"It all sucks House, it really does, but it doesn't have to own you, it doesn't have to define who you are unless you let it. You don't have to deal with it alone. Allowing the people you care about, who care about you, share the pain with you, makes a difference."

"Does it?"

"Yeah, it does," she insisted. "House, do you think I had it easy?"

House laughed. "Are you trying to say you're as messed up as me? I mean I know you have your own share of problems but-"

"Have you met me?" Cuddy asked suddenly, cutting him off. She got up from the couch abruptly and walked over to the fireplace, her back turned to him. She stood there for a moment with her hand on the mantle, tapping her fingers. Finally she turned to him.

"House, you've known me longer than anyone outside my family. Hell, you _are_ practically family. There are times I am insecure and don't have a clue. I run away from what I want and need. I've never been good in relationships. I'm a perfectionist, a workaholic, always been too hard on myself and hey...I had issues with my parents too!" Cuddy's hands were all over the place as she spoke.

"I'm a single mother who is incessantly nagged by her mother about finding a nice Jewish guy and settling down, I feel woefully inadequate compared to my happily married, child-bearing sister and I'm constantly trying to live up to this vision of what a woman my age is _supposed to be_ at this point in her life only I don't know what that is," she said, nearly out of breath. She walked back over to the couch, plopped down next to him. She picked up her empty wine glass and looked in it, as if searching for the answers there. "I'm lonely, I'm depressed and sometimes I'm tired of fighting. How screwed up is that?"

For a few moments, neither spoke. The only sound in the room was the grandfather clock in the hall.

"Cuddy," he said softly. "You're so much more than you think."

"So are you. Why can't you see that?"

"Years of practice."

"Tell me about it," she said sarcastically.

"You know, shouldn't be lonely, you have Lucas."

"Lucas is a good guy. He's really been there for Rachel and me but..."

"It's not enough."

"No, it isn't." She said sadly. "He told me he loved me..." Cuddy noted the sad look on House's face. "And I know I should love him but I don't. He's really trying and I feel bad having to hurt him."

He took a swig from his mug. "He's an ass, like me, but I know he cares about you. It'll hurt," he said quietly.

Cuddy looked at House astonished. "How on earth is it possible that we're talking like this? Usually one of us is running or deflecting. We're talking like we're-"

"Friends?"

"Yeah."

"I'm not good at this," he said sincerely.

"I know. You being here and listening to me is completely out of character and yet you're doing it." She laughed.

"Nolan will never believe it."

"You're still talking to him?"

"Yeah."

"Does it help?"

"You know how I feel about shrinks. It's all a bunch of nonsense. They take everything you say and twist it into some theory that you wanna have sex with your mother."

"So clearly it's working." Cuddy rolled her eyes at him and House just smirked.

"I'm sorry…for everything," he said suddenly serious again.

"What's everything?"

"How far back do you wanna go? I've said and done a lot of shit to you over the years."

"Thank you."

"I didn't mean any of it."

"I know."

"You know?"

"Yeah. You lash out when you're hurt or when you want to keep people at a distance."

"Told you I'm screwed up."

"The people who know you best, which would consist of oh…me and Wilson...maybe even your mother…we know better. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt but we understand your motives."

"How can you even sit here and talk to me after I said all of those awful things to you...especially about Rachel?"

"I've known you so long; you've been a part of my life for most of my life. I can't just…" She sighed. "I can't just let you go that easily."

"You're crazy, you know that right?"

"I know it."

"I was wrong about you."

"What?"

"You're a great mom."

"House, you don't have to—"

"Yes, I do. You saved her life. Anyone can see she's happy. You didn't need anyone to help you either, you did it all on your own," he said, looking down at his hands. "I know what it's like to be raised by someone who treats you different because you're not his kid. You may not be her biological mother but she'll grow up knowing you loved her and treated her as if she were."

Cuddy was taken back by his admission. "I didn't know."

"Nobody knew except Wilson."

"Oh God," she said out loud. She leaned forward and put her head in her hands. "We drugged you…made you go to his funeral."

"Yeah. About that-"

"I'm so sorry."

"No, don't be. At first I was upset but after a while, it didn't matter. You meant well. Besides, it didn't kill me and it helped...with Wilson."

Cuddy smiled at that thought. The funeral trip had brought the two friends back together.

"House, I'm sorry too."

"For what?"

Cuddy looked sideways at his leg.

"Oh, that," he said, his voice void of emotion. He just sat there tapping his cane."It's alright, you don't need to go there."

She sighed loudly. "I do. I think about it all the time. It hurts me to see you in pain and knowing I'm partly responsible for it. We just wanted to save your life. If we hadn't done what we did, you might have died."

"Or I might not have."

"I couldn't take that chance."

_"You?"_ He looked at her.

"Us...I mean _Stacy_." Her face flushed and she looked away from him. "House, I couldn't let you die and before you say it, you damn well know it was a possibility."

"Stacy tried to convince me that if I'd had a patient in that situation, I would have browbeat him into saying yes. I probably would have."

Cuddy nodded in agreement. "Will you ever forgive me?" She asked hopefully.

House stopped fidgeting with his cane and looked at her. He noticed her eyes seemed to be pleading with him.

"I already have."

A tear escaped Cuddy's eye and he took his thumb and wiped it away gently. It had taken them years to get to this moment. She smiled and reached for his hand. Suddenly the moment was interrupted by a voice in the hallway behind them.

"_Lisa?_ What the hell is going on?"

* * *

Comments are always welcome!


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N:** I have to tell you I really enjoyed writing this chapter. _  
_

* * *

_Cuddy nodded in agreement. "Will you ever forgive me?" She asked hopefully._

_House stopped fidgeting with his cane and looked at her. He noticed her eyes seemed to be pleading with him._

_"I already have."_

_A tear escaped Cuddy's eye and he took his thumb and wiped it away gently. It had taken them years to get to this moment. She smiled and reached for his hand. Suddenly the moment was interrupted by a voice in the hallway behind them._

_"Lisa? What the hell is going on?"_

* * *

House and Cuddy were caught by surprise at the sound of Lucas's voice from behind them. They both stood up as he walked in. It took House a moment to gain his balance but when he did, he stood straight and tall nearly toe to toe with Lucas.

"House."

"Lucas."

Attempting to hold in his hanger, Lucas asked, "Lis, what's going on here?"

"We're just talking, what are _you _doing here?"

"Gee, I don't know, maybe I was worried about my girlfriend when she didn't answer her phone. I tried to call you all night. You've been under a lot of stress and I was just worried about you."

"As you can see, I'm fine."

"Obviously," he said sarcastically. "I thought you were tired."

"I was…I mean…I am, House just happened to stop by."

"Just _happened_ to stop by?" Lucas laughed. "Lisa, who are you kidding? I told you he was going to do this. Let me guess, something happened and he needs you, _again_. "He looked at House. "What was it House? Fight with Wilson? Patient died? Nightmares?"

"Shh!" Cuddy said in a loud whisper. "Do not wake Rachel!"

House gripped his cane tightly. He didn't want to lose control with Rachel sleeping just down the hall. He looked right into Lucas's eyes. "Maybe I figured she needed something better than a man-child to keep her company."

Without thinking, Lucas raised his fist and hit House, square in the jaw. He pulled back, holding his fist which was in excruciating pain. Meanwhile, House stumbled backwards, hitting his right leg on the arm of the couch.

"Lucas!" Cuddy yelled at him and then ran over to help House who was in obvious pain.

Lucas stood there holding his hand and watched as Cuddy helped House stand up. He shook his head and said, "Damn House, why'd you make me do that? I didn't want this."

House, in obvious pain, ignored Lucas but Cuddy turned to him and said, "Lucas do me a favor and go into the kitchen _now_." Turning to House, she said, "Oh why'd you have to provoke him? Come on, you need to lay down and I'll get you a heating pad okay?"

House grunted in pain as Cuddy helped him towards her bedroom. She helped him lay on the bed, retrieved a heating pad, plugged it in and lay it across his thigh. "Listen, I need to talk to him. It wasn't supposed to be like this _damnit_. Will you be okay?" House nodded.

On her way down the hall, she closed Rachel's bedroom door. In the kitchen, she found Lucas pacing angrily in circles. "What the hell was that all about?" She yelled as she put ice cubes into a dish towel and handed it to him for his fist, which he took gratefully.

"I didn't want to hit him but damn Lis, he deserved it. He didn't come here to talk and you know it."

"Yes, he did. And we were just talking, that's it. _Nothing happened_. You had no reason to hit him."

"Why are you defending him?"

"Because he didn't do anything wrong!"

"Not yet but I know how he is. How long has this been going on?"

"What? Talking? Because nothing else is going on. We've been friends a long time, you know that."

"Friends? After…all the shit he's done…embarrassing you at work, making you chase him to get him to do his job, ruining your dates, mocking you as a parent, and telling everyone at the hospital he had sex with you. How much more are you gonna put up with?" He threw the wet dishtowel into the sink.

Cuddy put her hands up. "Lucas, stop it. I know he's hurt me in the past but I've hurt him too. There's so much there you don't understand. We're trying to move past that. He's not a bad person."

"Oh and I _am_?"

"I didn't say that but you're not perfect either. Need I remind you it was _your_ idea to send him on a wild goose chase on Thanksgiving."

"But _you_ went along with it! You thought it would teach him a lesson!" He shouted.

"And I was wrong!" She yelled back.

Lucas was stunned over his girlfriend's behavior. "Damnit Lis, when he checked himself into Mayfield, you were depressed, you cried all the time. You were a mess, remember? And then I helped you and you finally let go of that crazy hold he had on you and it's been great,_ we've_ been great. You and I have something good and I don't want to lose it."

Cuddy slumped in the chair closest to her and put her head in her hands. "Lucas, I know you care about Rachel and me and you've been so good to us…"

"But?" He asked, impatiently.

"Something's missing…it just _isn't working_."

"It was working up until House came back."

"But when he was gone I thought about him all the time".

"No, you _worried_ about him all the time. He's caused you nothing but worry for years, you said so yourself."

"I worried because I _cared._ I missed him; he's been a part of my life for a long time. You can't ask me to just give that up."

He pointed his finger accusingly. "_You_ were the one who told me he drives you crazy, makes you insane, interferes with every relationship you try to have. And here it's happening again. I thought you were finally happy."

"I thought I was too."

"I love you Lis, I love Rachel."

"I know," she said between tears. "But I've never been able to let go of him. Whatever this is, it just keeps drawing us back to one another. I can't…" Cuddy's sobs got in the way of her finishing the sentence.

Lucas looked stunned. His eyes were glassy and he just looked at her. "Was I just a temporary substitute till he got his sanity back?"

She got up from the chair and walked over to where Lucas was standing. She placed her hands gently on both arms and looked at him. Softly she said, "No. You were _never_ a placeholder."

"Then what was I?" He asked sadly.

"You were there for me when I needed someone to care about me, to comfort me. You told silly jokes and screwed up the punch line and you made me laugh, you made hand puppets for Rachel and made her smile. You cooked for me, you spent time with us; you made me feel less lonely. You mattered, Lucas."

"But not anymore." He shook her hands off and turned to look out the window over the sink.

"Lucas," she said softly. "You helped me get through a tough time in my life and I can never thank you enough for that." She stood next to him, leaning against the counter. "God knows you don't deserve me, you deserve better.

He looked down at her. "That's crap Lisa, now you sound just like him. You're an amazing woman, you've got it together, and it's you who deserves better, hell, better than me and _definitely_ better than him. I don't know what's happened to you but things were great between us before the conference, before Thanksgiving."

"I thought so too, but I've been thinking about this for a while now."

"He'll hurt you again Lisa," Lucas warned.

Cuddy sighed. She turned to him and said softly, "Even if he wasn't here, even if he was halfway around the world, he'd _still_ come between us."

"So this is it? You're breaking up with me?" He asked, looking into her eyes, hoping to understand.

"I guess I am. I never meant to hurt you."

Lucas was trying to hold back his tears. "You sure you don't want to think about this?"

"I've given it a lot of thought. You need to know that House was willing to walk away from me for good and let you and I be. Just…I know you're angry but don't take it out on him. "

He laughed. "How can I not be angry at him?"

Neither of them said a word for a few moments. Lucas shook his head. "I just don't get it Lisa; I don't get what you see in him."

"Lucas," she said softly. "House and I have a history that goes back twenty years. He knows me better than anyone. He knows how I think; what makes me tick, he understands me. He sees me for who I am, not who he thinks I should be. It's hard for me to let anyone else in that deep."

"We could have worked."

"No, I don't think so Lucas. It's more than that. I never would have let you in completely and you would have resented me for it. You need a woman who will open her heart to you and _only_ you. You deserve that."

Lucas took a deep breath, processing everything she said. "So…this is it?"

"Yeah, it is. You have to let me go, Lucas, for both of us."

"I'm so sorry," he said in a sad, resigned voice.

Cuddy smiled at him. "No, you have nothing to be sorry for, _nothing_. If anyone's sorry it's me, for hurting you. I owe you a lot, you were there for me when I needed someone and I'll never forget that."

He looked into her eyes and saw the sincerity there. "I just want you to be happy," he said.

"I know you do, Lucas," she said with a slight smile.

Lucas opened his arms to offer her a hug, which she readily accepted. He held her tightly to him, knowing it was the last time he would do so. A tear fell from one eye as he put his nose in her hair and breathed in her scent. They stayed like that for a long time and then he kissed her above her ear and whispered, "Goodbye, Lis." He slowly let her go, turned and walked away.

A moment later she heard the door close behind him.

* * *

Hope you liked it! I wanted to show that Cuddy did care about Lucas and she didn't want to hurt him, but she knew breaking up with him would do just that. I also did like Lucas's character until they got him together with Cuddy. However, he didn't show his nastiness until he started trying to get dirt on House's team and then of course the episode in the cafeteria. However, that altercation did not happen until after so I did not have to portray Lucas as being that asshole in this fic.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N:** This is the final chapter in this story. I've been so busy, I just haven't had a chance to edit until this evening. I appreciate everyone who has read and left comments.

BTW, the next chapter of Confession will be posted this weekend.

* * *

_Lucas took a deep breath, processing everything she said. "So…this is it?"_

_"Yeah, it is. You have to let me go, Lucas, for both of us."_

_"I'm so sorry," he said in a sad, resigned voice._

_Cuddy smiled at him. "No, you have nothing to be sorry for, nothing. If anyone's sorry it's me, for hurting you. I owe you a lot, you were there for me when I needed someone and I'll never forget that."_

_He looked into her eyes and saw the sincerity there. "I just want you to be happy," he said._

_"I know you do, Lucas," she said with a slight smile._

_Lucas opened his arms to offer her a hug, which she readily accepted. He held her tightly to him, knowing it was the last time he would do so. A tear fell from one eye as he put his nose in her hair and breathed in her scent. They stayed like that for a long time and then he kissed her above her ear and whispered, "Goodbye, Lis." He slowly let her go, turned and walked away._

_A moment later she heard the door close behind him._

* * *

Cuddy stood in the kitchen for a few minutes trying to absorb everything that had just happened. She wiped the tears from her cheeks and thought about the look on Lucas's face when she ended things between them. He really had loved her and it broke her heart to hurt him, but once she finally admitted to herself what she really wanted and needed, there was no turning back. Now that she'd talked to Lucas, she and House had a discussion that needed to be continued. She turned off the lights in the kitchen, locked the front door, and made her way down the hall. In her bedroom, she found House lying on his left side, his back to the door. The heating pad lay on the floor next to the bed. She picked it up and gently nudged him.

"House," she said softly.

"Hmm."

"How's your leg?"

"Hurts."

"Want the heating pad?"

"Yeah, thanks." He turned over and lay among large fluffy pillows at the head of her bed. It was then she saw that his jaw was already dark red and swollen on one side. She went back into the kitchen and returned with an ice pack and handed it to him.

"Thanks," he said, holding it up to his jaw.

"You're welcome." She sat on the bed facing him.

"So…where'd we leave off?" He asked.

"You forgave me."

"I did?"

"Mmm hmm," she smirked knowingly at him.

"I should have told you years ago."

"Why didn't you?"

"I figured as long as you thought I resented you, you couldn't possibly want to get involved with me," he confessed. He figured she already knew that was one of the reasons he kept her at arm's length but he'd never expected to admit it.

"That's insane," she said, shaking her head.

"Well, duh."

Cuddy looked down at the comforter, picking at the tiny loose threads. "Do you realize what we could've had right now if we hadn't spent all those years fighting, deflecting and running from each other?"

"We'd be married with five kids, a golden retriever and a big house in the burbs?" He asked, trying to smirk despite his pain.

She laughed. "Uh, hardly, but things would have been good."

"You think?"

"Yeah. We put a _lot_ of energy into avoiding a relationship at all costs. All that energy could have been definitely focused elsewhere."

"Yeah I can think of a lot of things we could have been doing...or rather one thing we could have been doing a lot of," he replied, raising his eyebrows up and down in jest. He set the ice pack beside him, laced his fingers behind his head, and relaxed into her pillows with his eyes closed.

Cuddy sensed he was in deep thought. "House, stop thinking."

"Who says I'm thinking?" He said, opening one eye to look at her.

"I know you. You're worried about screwing this up. Look, you can't go into this relationship thinking it's going to fail."

"You telling me that you think it'll be all sunshine and puppies?"

She rolled her eyes at him. "How long have you known me? You know how I tick. I'm scared to death, not that you're going to mess up, but that I'm going to."

"We're as different as night and day you know," he reminded her.

"I'm a perfectionist, organized and a neat freak. You're…" she looked him up and down and smiled, "You're a mess."

"And I like to have fun and let loose occasionally. You're too...uptight." He smiled in satisfaction and caught her glaring annoyingly at him. "Well, it's_ true_," he insisted.

Cuddy flopped down beside him on the bed, fingers laced together over her stomach. They lay there silent a few minutes, each could feel the other thinking. Suddenly Cuddy started up the conversation again.

"Sure we're different but we're alike in some ways too. We're both screwed up. I mean, neither of us is good in relationships, we have a hard time communicating, we deny what we really want, and we have crappy relationships with our parents."

"So...that's supposed to be a good thing?"

"Well, it is a start." She chuckled.

"Speaking of parents, can you imagine your mom meeting my dad?"House asked. Cuddy just looked over at him horrified and after a moment they burst out laughing. Neither could imagine what that meeting would have been like. They lay there a few minutes relaxing, not saying much, just making small observations about each other when out of the blue, he suddenly asked,

"What about Rachel?"

"What about her?" She asked, rolling onto her left side to look at him. His eyes were full of seriousness. She knew they'd have to deal with Rachel sooner or later, but she was surprised House brought it up first.

"You're a package deal. Being with you means being with her. Kids need comfort and hugs and all that and I'm just not good at either."

"You could learn."

"_Or_ I could screw it up big time and if I do that, I screw us up."

"You've got a lot to offer a child. You could teach Rachel things like music and puzzles and science. I've seen you with kids, you're good with them, it's the adults you have problems with. "

"Do you think I'm the kind of guy who should hang around with your kid?"

"I think you're a good person with your share of troubles, just like everyone else. You would never ever hurt a child. I trust you and she will too."

"I didn't have the greatest role model."

"I know, but it doesn't mean you'll be like him."

"I can't promise I'll great at it."

"Listen, just be _you_. That's all I want, that's all she wants. I can help you, remember I'm still new at this too and I'm learning something new every day." She laid her hand on his arm. "I know it's difficult but just enjoy this, instead of worrying about how you're gonna screw it up or how long till it ends. You've worked hard, sacrificed a lot to get to this point. I think you finally deserve to relax and enjoy life. Hell, we both do."

He looked at her with all seriousness. "And if I relapse?"

Cuddy swallowed hard. "Why are you afraid _now_ of relapsing?"

"Because there's a lot more at stake, a lot more I...we stand to lose. I could be one major crisis away from it. I don't want to go back to the pills. Yeah my leg hurts like hell at times but the longer I go without the pills, the easier it gets but there are moments when it feels like even exercise and therapy aren't enough. I am trying but I just need to know…if something happens are you gonna be around? I have to know." He looked away, embarrassed.

Cuddy could hear the fear in his voice. She knew that he could not go into this relationship if he thought that she would leave him in a moment of weakness. "House, I don't know what it's like to go through what you've been through but I won't dump you. If you relapse, then I'll help you, we'll do it together. Maybe there are some things we can do before it gets to that point. When you feel the fear, talk to me, don't shut me out. And God forbid, if you do…if you take a pill, tell me and don't lie because you're afraid. I know you are in pain and I know that being off of them is hard, but _please share your pain with me_. I can deal with a lot of things but I don't know how I would deal with you lying and telling me everything is okay when it's not."

"Only if you do the same with me," he countered.

"We'll have our share of good and bad but if we work together we'll make it. We just both have to be willing to go all in."

"Are we?" He asked.

"What? Willing? I am."

"Me too." He grinned.

"You know what this means right?" She asked.

House didn't have to say a word to convey he knew what it meant and neither did Cuddy. It was the beginning of the rest of their lives. Cuddy suddenly felt tears well up in her eyes. She spoke softly. "House, I can't imagine my life without you. Please take care of yourself so you'll be here with me, with us. I wanna know we'll grow old together," she said wiping away the tears.

If it was one thing House hated, it was seeing Cuddy cry and all too often over the years he'd been the cause of her tears. He never wanted to be the cause of her tears again.

"Come here," he whispered. He took her in his arms and held her to him. She sobbed quietly into his chest while he whispered into her hair. "I'm not going anywhere, I promise."

Between sobs she mumbled to him. "We wasted so much time; I just...don't wanna waste any more."

House knew all too well how much time they'd wasted apart and all he cared about in that moment was letting her know she was the only woman he ever wanted to grow old with.

"I love you," he whispered to her.

She stopped crying. "What?"

"I love you."

Cuddy smiled and House was thrilled knowing he was the reason for it.

"I love you too." She kissed him. When their lips met, they felt the electricity. Their kiss wasn't fiery and passionate like the one they shared the night she lost Joy, this one was deep and slow and full of love and longing. Their bodies melded together as they kissed for what seemed to be an eternity, neither wanting to let go of the moment, but eventually they had to out of need for air. When they finally parted, they were panting and their lips were swollen. Both had glassy eyes and they were smiling.

"I still can't believe it," she said, happily. "I can't believe finally we're here."

House grinned at her and pulled her to him again. At that moment he felt an powerful swell of emotion in his chest. It was definitely something he could get used to in time.

"House," she said as she snuggled into him.

"Yeah?"

"I just want you to be happy," she said before she closed her eyes. It wasn't long before he heard her soft snores and she was asleep.

House held Cuddy while she slept and thought about how finally, he had admitted this was what he wanted, to be with her, _for the rest of his life._ For a moment the thought took his breath away, but at the same time it gave him a great sense of peace. His mind wandered back to what she said about wanting him to be happy. For years he'd been so miserable and lonely, he'd forgotten how happiness felt. He thought about happy times he'd had in his life though before Mayfield he would have said they didn't exist, that his life had been one big disappointment and hurt after another. Looking back, he realized he was wrong; there were moments of happiness in his life long before his leg and the pain and pills took over his life. With continued therapy and Cuddy's help, he thought maybe could remember them again, all while creating new ones.

House exhaled deeply and with it all the troubles that were on his mind left him instantly. The only thing that mattered to him at the moment was the beautiful woman who lay asleep in his arms, the little girl in the next room, and the life they were about to build together. As he drifted into sleep, he pulled Cuddy closer to him and wrapped his arms tightly around her. Remembering her words from earlier, he smiled and leaned down and whispered in her ear,

"I am."

* * *

So glad you liked it. Please leave your reviews!


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